Attending Creating Culture of Peace Training at peace place, Pati, Indonesia photo by Stefanus Subardi
Once my wife shut the door loudly, I felt angry and told her angrily that she should not do that to me while I am studying. After a while I realized that I did violence to myself and to her, and then I felt guilty and became sad. I told myself that I should not do that again. But, how I should not do it?
I stopped and was in silence for a few minutes then I asked myself where does this type of anger come from? Why does it frequently happen to me? I noticed the rigid pattern that had become embedded in me from my trauma. It could be from my school trauma or from my home. Then I looked at my core self- “happy, forgiver and doing something good”, which I am working on practicing, and then I felt better. I became aware of my core self and tried to stay in it. My transforming pattern looks like this: Mistake/negative action- feel sad and guilty-become aware of core self- feel better.
Play and practice with Colleagues at CHILDREN Nepal, photo by Ram
I have difficulties overcoming trauma. I have noticed my rigid patterns of behavior through stopping and reflecting from time to time. Trauma made a physiological change in my body such that when I become overwhelmed, I freeze. This blocks my ability to adapt to difficult situations. The practice of staying in touch with my core self all the time is helping me to heal from my past bad experiences and thoughts.
I made a list of things that make me happy and posted it on my bedroom so that I can see it every morning and find ways throughout the day to make me happy. For example: I have three small grandchildren. I find time for caring and playing with them. I grow seasonal vegetables in our kitchen garden. I work there every morning, which makes me happy and grounded.
When I lie down on my bed, I evaluate my day, what went wrong and what went well. First, I go through all my actions which need to be improved. While remembering my faults, I try to stay on my core self. I will not repeat those mistakes the next day. Then, I remember the actions and behaviors that I performed today by which I took care of myself, and respected others and the earth. I get courage and happiness from this and sleep well.
When I make a mistake or fail, I just say it “Yea! I made a mistake!!” so that I do not feel sad or guilty. Immediately, it connects with my core self. Mistakes give me an opportunity to express for myself the happiness of the present moment.
I am happy to say that I have a companion to share difficulties, successes and happiness. We meet every three weeks. I am noticing what blocks me for opening up to transforming power, what rigid patterns of habits I have developed. It is clear to me how my rigid patterns affect me and others. Being with, sharing and reflecting with my companion help me to discharge my emotions, ground myself and open up.
Ram’s Core self which he is practicing these days, photo by Ram
We also practice face to face creating a culture of peace with our colleagues at CHILDREN-Nepal every day. And every three weeks we have a scheduled workshop to practice it together in that setting.
Today my transforming pattern looks like this: Mistake/negative action- aware of core self- feel better/be creative- do some good action. Staying in my core self helps me to relax, and slow down with grounding!
I am thankful to Nadine Hoover and team, who have provided me with opportunities from time to time to learn at Creating a Culture of Peace training in Chitawan Nepal, at Peace Place in Indonesia, and online, and more……